Certainly, it’s a difficult time to be a right-wing nutjob Bush supporter and Iraq war cheerleader. But when these people get stressed out, they take comfort in thinking back to a time when things were easier, simpler, better. A time when you could win any argument simply by uttering the words, “Nine eleven”, as demonstrated in this transcript from the now-canceled CNN debate show “Crossfire”:

BEGALA: We all agree that Saddam is a bad man, but–
NOVAK: Osama bin Laden is a bad man too. Saddam is just like Osama.
BEGALA: I’m not defending Saddam Hussein, I’m just –
NOVAK: Nine eleven!
BEGALA: (stunned silence)
NOVAK: That’s right, Paul. Nine eleven.
BEGALA: Oh my God, Bob. You’re right. We should send thousands upon thousands of troops to die in Iraq for no reason.
NOVAK: If we don’t, then the terrorists have won.  (Wraps self in cape, turns into a bat and flies away)

For several years, conservatives would utter the words “Nine eleven” and they would get whatever they wanted — vast authority to spy on innocent Americans, the power to deny people the right to a trial, broad powers to limit free speech and assembly, and even a blank check to invade a sovereign nation which posed no threat to us. Those who did not immediately submit to their whims were labeled “Un-American”, “unpatriotic”, and “traitors”.

But conservatives have overused this tactic over the past six years and it is becoming increasingly ineffective. People are realizing that the Republicans have simply been manipulating their fear.

So now when these whack-jobs get down on their knees at night to say their bedtime prayers, they ask God for just one tiny little thing:

America’s fabric is pulling apart like a cheap sweater. What would sew us back together? Another 9/11 attack.

The Golden Gate Bridge. Mount Rushmore. Chicago’s Wrigley Field. The Philadelphia subway system. The U.S. is a target-rich environment for al Qaeda.

Is there any doubt they are planning to hit us again? If it is to be, then let it be. It will take another attack on the homeland to quell the chattering of chipmunks and to restore America’s righteous rage and singular purpose to prevail.

Yes, right now the American people are arguing about whether our soldiers should be dying for an unnecessary elective war, or whether we should allow the government to spy on us, or whether Constitutional protections such as free speech and due process should be scrapped in the name of fighting terrorism. But man, just think how much better it would be if thousands of people were just violently massacred in a horrific terrorist attack in a heavily populated area! We could all be at a Lee Greenwood benefit concert right now!

How did this happen? How did Richard Reed get on the plane with a bomb in his shoe? The folks at the TSA asked themselves those same questions and figured it out: “Bomb inside shoe” wasn’t on the list. “Oh well,” sighed the TSA, “those rascally terrorists got us this time.”

So they added a whole bunch of things to the list and started making people take off their shoes, thinking they had the problem solved. They would eventually add a bunch more things to the list as time progressed. Now, the list looks something like this:

TSA LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN’T TAKE ON AN AIRPLANE

• Knives
• Box Cutters
• Ice Axes
• Ice Picks
• Meat Cleavers
• Sabers
• Swords
• Baseball Bats
• Bows and Arrows
• Cricket Bats
• Golf Clubs
• Hockey Sticks
• Lacrosse Sticks
• Pool Cues
• Ski Poles
• Spear Guns
• Flare Guns
• Starter Pistols
• Just Guns in General, Basically
• Axes
• Hatchets
• Cattle Prods
• Crowbars
• Hammers
• Drills
• Drill Bits
• Saws
• Construction Equipment in General
• Pepper Spray
• Nunchakus
• Stun Guns
• Throwing Stars
• Dynamite
• Fireworks
• Hand Grenades
• Plastic Explosives in Shoes
• Plastic Explosives not in Shoes
• Gasoline
• Torches
• Tear Gas

Then last year they banned toothpaste, hair gel, mouthwash, shampoo, hand sanitizer, lotion, Jello, pudding, and anything else gel- or liquid-related that was in a container larger than 3 ounces.

The TSA sat back, smugly and admired their list. “I think we got it covered, boys and girls!” they cheered. “Nobody’s gonna get anything past us. We really though it through this time. People bringing ice picks, cattle prods, meat cleavers, and drill bits alike will be stopped by our Awesome TSA List. We thought of EVERYTHING!”

But they didn’t think of everything. They forgot one very important item.

• Monkey hiding under hat

A man flying was taken into custody by police at New York’s LaGuardia Airport because as he was sitting on the plane from Fort Lauderdale, a small monkey called a marmoset crawled out from under his hat. Apparently the monkey was better-behaved than most children on airline flights, but it was placed into quarantine to ensure it was not carrying some weird tropical monkey herpes or something. You can read the story here.

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On hearing the news, a TSA official reportedly responded, “Well, that’s just great. I guess now we’ll be making everybody take off their hats at the same time they are taking their shoes off. In fact, you know what? How about everybody just disrobes completely before walking through the metal detectors? Make it easy for everybody, and it’ll save an awful lot of time in our special extra-security ‘rubber glove’ line.”

Insiders at the TSA indicate that tiny monkeys will also likely be banned from handbags, briefcases, and coat pockets when new procedures are completed.

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Imagine that one fine July day you decide that it is a good day to go for a walk in the park. So you drive to the park and get out of your car, excited about the nice walk in the park you are going to take. But suddenly you realize that you have to go to the bathroom very badly. So you head to the park’s public men’s restroom (for the purpose of this hypothetical situation, you are a guy).

At some point, you discover that someone else is in the stall next to you. You discover this fact the same way ALL men in a public restroom figure out if someone is in another stall — by peeking over the stall door and making eye contact with the stall’s occupant.

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Here is where things get a little tricky from a self-defense standpoint. If the guy you just made eye contact with is a physically intimidating big black guy, you cannot just peek over the door of his stall, make eye contact, and then just walk away. It would be rude, and he might pummel you. The best thing to do in this situation is to make eye contact with him again, this time by looking through the door.

If he greets you, then you must engage him in conversation. A polite “hi” should be enough to keep him from beating you to death.

At this point, you are faced with an unfortunate choice. If you leave now, the big intimidating black guy may feel that you are snubbing him. He may pursue you out of the men’s room and savagely pound on you until you are just another statistic of big black man violence. The only other option is for you to enter his stall, close the door behind you, and say, “This is kind of a public place, isn’t it?” This will remind the big black man that you are in a public restroom and that other people might be around, which should keep you from becoming just another statistic.

Hopefully that will work and you will be safe. However, if he says, “Do you have somewhere else we can go?”, this is bad news. It means he wants to go to a more secluded spot with you, where he will probably lose control of his big aggressive black man self and kill you for no reason.

After your life gets done flashing before your eyes, you must face the reality that there is only one thing you can do in this situation. Every martial arts expert or self-defense guru — such as Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chuck Norris — will all give you the same advice I am giving you now:

IF YOU SEE A BIG BLACK GUY IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM AND YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO KILL YOU, YOU MUST OFFER TO GIVE HIM $20 AND A BLOWJOB.

Now, I am sure that there will be people out there who say, “But Representative Allen, what makes you think that every random black guy who happens to be in a public restroom would want a blowjob from an ignorant-ass white hick state representative like yourself?” To those people, I will only say that they don’t call me ‘Hoover’ just because I support Republican economic policies that would leave people standing in line for bread and living in tent cities, OR because I like to wear fluffy dresses and lace stockings, if you know what I mean.

So there you have it. If a big black man is in the restroom with you, do not panic. Simply follow these basic life-saving steps:

1. Peek over the stall door at him and make eye contact.
2. Look at him through the stall door and make eye contact again.
3. Enter the stall door and close it behind you.
4. Engage him in conversation.
5. Verbally acknowledge that a public restroom is a public place.
6. Offer to give the big black man $20 and a blowjob.

The life you save may be your own.

Bob Allen is a Republican member of Florida’s State House of Representatives. He is currently awaiting trial on charges of soliciting prostitution stemming from an incident in which Rep. Allen offered a big black police officer in a public restroom $20 to have oral sex. He has a staunchly anti-gay voting record and sponsored legislation to strengthen laws against public sex, lewdness and indecency.

The US has lost track of about 190,000 weapons issued to Iraqi security forces since the 2003 invasion, some of which will have ended up in the hands of insurgents, according to an official report published in Washington. Among the missing items are AK-47 rifles, pistols, body armour and helmets.

Keep in mind that there are approximately 160,000 troops in Iraq now, which means that we have lost more weapons than we have troops in Iraq. And did you catch that last part about the body armor? Well, guess how OUR troops are getting the body armor they need?

Still, she tried to remain supportive of her son and his fellow Marines. She helped organize a local bake sale that raised $4,000 for body armor to send over to Iraq.

At least the Bush administration supports SOMEBODY’S troops.

One of the few things that the NRA has hated more than progressive Democrats is the McCain-Feingold (Bipartisan Campaign Reform) Act. This law was intended to, among other things, restrict the amount of influence held by corporations or “issue organizations” by restricting the use of “issue ads” prior to elections.

The NRA is one of those “issue organizations”. The Campaign Reform Act effectively meant that if the NRA wanted to air advertisements informing the electorate that liberal Democrats eat baby flesh and kick newborn puppies, they could not do so within the 60 days prior to a general election or 30 days prior to a primary. In a recent Supreme Court case, the NRA joined with Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc. to argue that this portion of the McCain-Feingold Act was unconstitutional. About a month ago, in a 5-4 decision, the court agreed with them and declared that they had a First Amendment right to air issue ads right up to election day.

So what kind of issue ads should we expect? Well, the NRA has been kind enough to lay out a little of their game plan through a detailed, illustrated fund raising pamphlet that was leaked to the Internet just a little after Christmas last year.

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All NRA literature can be summed up as follows: They. Are. Coming. For. Your. Guns.

In this case, the warning is aimed directly at the NRA’s core membership: Pistol-packing gray-haired grannies. A very perceptive observer may notice that while the NRA’s message might be aimed at granny, the evil jack-booted stormtroopers’ guns are not. The dude in the upper left has a flashlight equipped on his gun and as a result you can see where he’s aiming… at the gun on the floor. And that’s the basis of the problem here. If granny could get the one dude’s shin off her neck, she could maybe defend herself. But the tiny little gun, all alone in the spotlight, is completely defenseless. Who will defend the poor, lonely handgun? The NRA, that’s who!

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It seems like just about everybody wants to restrict gun rights these days. The NRA thought a good way counteract that sentiment would be to build a giant, 20-foot-tall revolver in the middle of a city. “Let’s see those gun control activists stop us NOW!” cackled the NRA.

Turns out, though, that Superman is a big-time gun control activist. And he’s kind of a jerk.

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Guns are useful for a lot of things. Hunting, law enforcement, personal security, target practice. Also, they are good at keeping enormous tidal waves from completely obliterating your home.

In this illustration, we see the same family from the previous illustration, and the father is saying, “Sure would be nice if we had a twenty-foot tall revolver right about now. But we don’t, so let’s stand here on our second-floor wraparound deck and await our impending doom.”

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There are a lot of scary things out there, and the NRA wants to make sure you are armed so you can deal with them effectively. One of the scariest things out there is a girl who doesn’t shave her legs, particularly if she also wears sandals. Here, we see the paragon of evil holding a gasoline can in one hand and a burning torch in the other. One would think that she would wait to light the fire until after she reached her destination and was no longer carrying a large container of extremely flammable liquid, but just because she is evil doesn’t make her smart.

What she lacks in brainpower she makes up for tenfold with her evil army of demonic animal minions. Wolves, oxen, pigs… even an Evil Dynamite-Wielding Owl of Doom (EDWOD) and a crustacean who has had Just. About. Enough. of the sitting in the aquarium with rubber bands around his hands. All of the animals are ready to exact their revenge on humanity for the cutting down of their woodland habitats and also for the slowly boiling them in pots of water.

Only one thing stands in their way: Guns. And the evil Democrats Who. Are. Coming. For. Them.

So expect to see a lot more of this as the 2008 election cycle begins to ramp up.

From the Virginia Terrorism manual we discussed last time, we have a handy list of tools of the terrorist trade. If you see anyone using any of the following items, please call Alberto Gonzales directly at (202) 353-1555.

• Still cameras
• Video cameras
• Binoculars
• Tape recorders
• Maps
• Charts
• Sketch pads
• Notebooks
• SCUBA equipment

If you see a guy wearing SCUBA gear holding a map and a sketch pad walking down the street, it is likely that a terrorist attack is imminent.

Finally, a book called Terrorism and Homeland Security: An Introduction with Applications gives us a few more tips on how to spot a suicide bomber amongst the general population.

• Wearing loose clothing
• Wearing bulky clothing
• Sweating
• Mumbling
• Unusually calm or detached
• Wearing a backpack
• Wearing inordinate amount of cologne or perfume
• Does not respond to authoritative voice commands
• Could be disguised as military, police, firefighter, medic, or pregnant woman

We now have a pretty detailed profile of the perfect terrorist. It will be a student wearing a business suit over SCUBA gear while disguised as a pregnant woman. They will be sweating and mumbling, wearing a lot of cologne or perfume, and using a cell phone or email. They will be calm, team-oriented and focused. They will likely be looking at a map or a chart through binoculars they got out of their backpack. They will refer to the Constitution and attempt to influence government and social policies. They will be familiar with their physical surroundings and will try not to attract attention to themselves, going so far as avoiding confrontations with the police.

If you see this person, keep in mind that they are a dangerous criminal terrorist mastermind. DO NOT attempt to apprehend them yourself… contact your local law enforcement and your nearest FBI field office immediately.

Currently, there are five kitty pictures in the Kitty Picture Gallery, but more kitty pictures are likely to make appearances. Some will be new, others will likely be old favorites like Cowboy Kitty or Astronaut Kitty. For bandwidth reasons, the Gallery may rotate kitty pictures so be sure to check from time to time as we may have brand-new kitty pictures available.

PS: Here is a picture of a cat.

Click on the map to open the interactive graphic on MSNBC.com.

One point to keep in mind about the list is that structurally deficient bridges are those in need of repairs and/or weight restrictions, while functionally obsolete means that a bridges physical properties don’t meet the standards for today’s traffic (i.e. lanes too narrow, not built to withstand today’s traffic volume, etc.). The bridges are also rated on a 0 to 100 scale, with 50 percent being the threshold at which a bridge most likely needs to be replaced. The Minneapolis bridge that collapsed August 1 was rated at exactly that 50 percent mark.

Most people are familiar with the color-coded Terror-meter which gives people a vague and general sense of when they may receive their impending death. Red means “say your goodbyes”, orange means “terrorists have decided to kill you but aren’t sure when yet”, yellow means “doom is waiting around the corner”, and blue and green are just throwaway colors that look pretty but were never intended to actually be used:

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But the Terror-meter is only a way of communicating the amount of threat we face. We still need a method to determine exactly how much threat we are facing at any given time. This needs to be a very sensitive, very advanced piece of technology capable of discerning and extrapolating threats in real-time. And so we have Homeland Security Secratary Michael Chertoff’s gut, which can instantly detect grave threats to our national security.

But attempting to deter terrorism and knowing that there is a threat are only parts of the battle. Americans must be well-equipped to identify suspicious, terrorist-type people that walk among us so that they can be stopped from carrying out their nefarious plans. And so to that end, I present you with several tips from experts in Arizona, Texas, and Virginia, on how you can identify a terrorist:
A Texas anti-terrorism training pamphlet gives you some of the characteristics of terrorists so that you can pick them out of a crowd.

• Focused and committed
• Team-oriented and disciplined
• Familiar with their physical environments
• Employ a variety of vehicles and communicate by cell phone, email, or text messaging
• Try not to draw attention to themselves
• Look like students, tourists, or businesspersons
• Travel in a mixed group of men, women, and children
• Avoid confrontations with law enforcement

If you know anyone who looks like a student, a tourist, or a businessperson — especially if they avoid confrontations with law enforcement or communicate by cell phone or email, make sure that you turn them in to your local FBI field office or the Department of Homeland Security at once!

And now, on to an FBI flyer in Phoenix, AZ:

“If you encounter any of the following, call the Joint Terrorism Task Force”:

• “Defenders of the US Constitution against federal government”
• “Make numerous references to the US Constitution”
• “Attempt to ‘police the police’”
• “Lone Individuals”
• “Rebels”

It truly chills the blood to imagine all of those terrorists out there, referring to and defending the US Constitution. Where will they stop? Have they no shame at all?

Among the people the Virginia Terrorism manual warns against are:

• Those Who Try to Create an Atmosphere of Anxiety Amongst the Public
• Those Who Try to Undermine Confidence in the Government
• Those Who Try to Influence Government or Social Policy

I cannot imagine anything more nefarious than trying to influence government or social policy. And honestly, who could have anything but the utmost confidence in a government that fights terrorism by telling us to shop, making a color-coded chart, using “gut feelings” as terrorist-warning devices, and reminding the public to be wary of focused, team-oriented people?

Second, it reminds me of a bit that Mitch Hedberg does. Something to the effect of:

I rent a lot of cars, but I don’t always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake.

That the bridge collapsed in spite of allegedly passing inspections in 2005 and 2006 does not say much for the bridge, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the bridge inspections. Of course, the next logical question to be asking is this: If this bridge collapsed after passing inspections, what other “Passed Inspection” bridges are out there ready to collapse into the Mississippi River, the Ohio River, the Missouri River, the Columbia River, the Colorado River, Snake River, etc?

As has been mentioned several times in the media, the I-35W Mississippi River bridge was deemed “Structurally Deficient” by the U.S. Department of Transportation’s Federal Highway Administration. So how many other bridges in the United States fit into that category? In 2006, the number was that 73,764 bridges were considered Structurally Deficient. According to the Department of Transportation, “structurally deficient” means that the bridge has elements that need corrective action. The following table breaks it down by state:

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In addition to the bridges rated structurally deficient, 80,226 bridges in the United States are considered “Functionally Obsolete”, which means that they have elements such as lanes or shoulders which are too narrow for today’s traffic.

So where’s all the bridge construction money? You know where.