August 14, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Bush supporters have pretty stressful lives these days. They get up every morning and brown people are still walking freely around the Middle East. Liberal and progressive activists have not yet accepted their subjugation to an authoritarian daddy-state. Some people are even saying that we should bring our troops home from Iraq!

Certainly, it’s a difficult time to be a right-wing nutjob Bush supporter and Iraq war cheerleader. But when these people get stressed out, they take comfort in thinking back to a time when things were easier, simpler, better. A time when you could win any argument simply by uttering the words, “Nine eleven”, as demonstrated in this transcript from the now-canceled CNN debate show “Crossfire”:

BEGALA: We all agree that Saddam is a bad man, but–
NOVAK: Osama bin Laden is a bad man too. Saddam is just like Osama.
BEGALA: I’m not defending Saddam Hussein, I’m just –
NOVAK: Nine eleven!
BEGALA: (stunned silence)
NOVAK: That’s right, Paul. Nine eleven.
BEGALA: Oh my God, Bob. You’re right. We should send thousands upon thousands of troops to die in Iraq for no reason.
NOVAK: If we don’t, then the terrorists have won.  (Wraps self in cape, turns into a bat and flies away)

For several years, conservatives would utter the words “Nine eleven” and they would get whatever they wanted — vast authority to spy on innocent Americans, the power to deny people the right to a trial, broad powers to limit free speech and assembly, and even a blank check to invade a sovereign nation which posed no threat to us. Those who did not immediately submit to their whims were labeled “Un-American”, “unpatriotic”, and “traitors”.

But conservatives have overused this tactic over the past six years and it is becoming increasingly ineffective. People are realizing that the Republicans have simply been manipulating their fear.

So now when these whack-jobs get down on their knees at night to say their bedtime prayers, they ask God for just one tiny little thing:

America’s fabric is pulling apart like a cheap sweater. What would sew us back together? Another 9/11 attack.

The Golden Gate Bridge. Mount Rushmore. Chicago’s Wrigley Field. The Philadelphia subway system. The U.S. is a target-rich environment for al Qaeda.

Is there any doubt they are planning to hit us again? If it is to be, then let it be. It will take another attack on the homeland to quell the chattering of chipmunks and to restore America’s righteous rage and singular purpose to prevail.

Yes, right now the American people are arguing about whether our soldiers should be dying for an unnecessary elective war, or whether we should allow the government to spy on us, or whether Constitutional protections such as free speech and due process should be scrapped in the name of fighting terrorism. But man, just think how much better it would be if thousands of people were just violently massacred in a horrific terrorist attack in a heavily populated area! We could all be at a Lee Greenwood benefit concert right now!

Posted in Outrages, Terrorism, Politics | 1 Comment »

August 6, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Several days ago we discussed some ways for average Americans to identify potential sleeper cell terrorists. As part of America’s ongoing Global War on Terror, Americans who are not themselves terrorists should consider themselves to be Alberto Gonzales’s Deputy Junior Terrorist-Hunting Rangers (AGDJTHR). To equip AGDJTHRs with more terrorist-fighting tips, we have compiled a few more things to be on the lookout for.

From the Virginia Terrorism manual we discussed last time, we have a handy list of tools of the terrorist trade. If you see anyone using any of the following items, please call Alberto Gonzales directly at (202) 353-1555.

• Still cameras
• Video cameras
• Binoculars
• Tape recorders
• Maps
• Charts
• Sketch pads
• Notebooks
• SCUBA equipment

If you see a guy wearing SCUBA gear holding a map and a sketch pad walking down the street, it is likely that a terrorist attack is imminent.

Finally, a book called Terrorism and Homeland Security: An Introduction with Applications gives us a few more tips on how to spot a suicide bomber amongst the general population.

• Wearing loose clothing
• Wearing bulky clothing
• Sweating
• Mumbling
• Unusually calm or detached
• Wearing a backpack
• Wearing inordinate amount of cologne or perfume
• Does not respond to authoritative voice commands
• Could be disguised as military, police, firefighter, medic, or pregnant woman

We now have a pretty detailed profile of the perfect terrorist. It will be a student wearing a business suit over SCUBA gear while disguised as a pregnant woman. They will be sweating and mumbling, wearing a lot of cologne or perfume, and using a cell phone or email. They will be calm, team-oriented and focused. They will likely be looking at a map or a chart through binoculars they got out of their backpack. They will refer to the Constitution and attempt to influence government and social policies. They will be familiar with their physical surroundings and will try not to attract attention to themselves, going so far as avoiding confrontations with the police.

If you see this person, keep in mind that they are a dangerous criminal terrorist mastermind. DO NOT attempt to apprehend them yourself… contact your local law enforcement and your nearest FBI field office immediately.

Posted in Civil Rights, Terrorism, Satire, Humor, Politics | No Comments »

August 3, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Over the course of the nearly six years after September 11, we have developed an amazing number of tools to combat terrorism. The first and most important counter-terrorism tool is something that every American can do — go shopping. Every time a cash register rings at American Eagle or Old Navy (which are especially effective because of their names), a virgin will no longer be waiting for an al-Qaeda suicide bomber in heaven. This has an enormous effect on deterring terrorism.

Most people are familiar with the color-coded Terror-meter which gives people a vague and general sense of when they may receive their impending death. Red means “say your goodbyes”, orange means “terrorists have decided to kill you but aren’t sure when yet”, yellow means “doom is waiting around the corner”, and blue and green are just throwaway colors that look pretty but were never intended to actually be used:

.

But the Terror-meter is only a way of communicating the amount of threat we face. We still need a method to determine exactly how much threat we are facing at any given time. This needs to be a very sensitive, very advanced piece of technology capable of discerning and extrapolating threats in real-time. And so we have Homeland Security Secratary Michael Chertoff’s gut, which can instantly detect grave threats to our national security.

But attempting to deter terrorism and knowing that there is a threat are only parts of the battle. Americans must be well-equipped to identify suspicious, terrorist-type people that walk among us so that they can be stopped from carrying out their nefarious plans. And so to that end, I present you with several tips from experts in Arizona, Texas, and Virginia, on how you can identify a terrorist:
A Texas anti-terrorism training pamphlet gives you some of the characteristics of terrorists so that you can pick them out of a crowd.

• Focused and committed
• Team-oriented and disciplined
• Familiar with their physical environments
• Employ a variety of vehicles and communicate by cell phone, email, or text messaging
• Try not to draw attention to themselves
• Look like students, tourists, or businesspersons
• Travel in a mixed group of men, women, and children
• Avoid confrontations with law enforcement

If you know anyone who looks like a student, a tourist, or a businessperson — especially if they avoid confrontations with law enforcement or communicate by cell phone or email, make sure that you turn them in to your local FBI field office or the Department of Homeland Security at once!

And now, on to an FBI flyer in Phoenix, AZ:

“If you encounter any of the following, call the Joint Terrorism Task Force”:

• “Defenders of the US Constitution against federal government”
• “Make numerous references to the US Constitution”
• “Attempt to ‘police the police’”
• “Lone Individuals”
• “Rebels”

It truly chills the blood to imagine all of those terrorists out there, referring to and defending the US Constitution. Where will they stop? Have they no shame at all?

Among the people the Virginia Terrorism manual warns against are:

• Those Who Try to Create an Atmosphere of Anxiety Amongst the Public
• Those Who Try to Undermine Confidence in the Government
• Those Who Try to Influence Government or Social Policy

I cannot imagine anything more nefarious than trying to influence government or social policy. And honestly, who could have anything but the utmost confidence in a government that fights terrorism by telling us to shop, making a color-coded chart, using “gut feelings” as terrorist-warning devices, and reminding the public to be wary of focused, team-oriented people?

Posted in Civil Rights, Terrorism, Satire, Humor, Politics | 3 Comments »