August 8, 2007 by karateexplosions.

After September 11, airlines began to crack down on what you can and cannot bring on board a plane in your carry-on baggage. Definitely no box cutters. No knives or guns or anything like that, either. Or scissors. Or nail clippers, for some reason. The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), thought they had everything covered. But then along comes bug-eyed Richard Reed with a bomb in his shoe.

How did this happen? How did Richard Reed get on the plane with a bomb in his shoe? The folks at the TSA asked themselves those same questions and figured it out: “Bomb inside shoe” wasn’t on the list. “Oh well,” sighed the TSA, “those rascally terrorists got us this time.”

So they added a whole bunch of things to the list and started making people take off their shoes, thinking they had the problem solved. They would eventually add a bunch more things to the list as time progressed. Now, the list looks something like this:

TSA LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN’T TAKE ON AN AIRPLANE

• Knives
• Box Cutters
• Ice Axes
• Ice Picks
• Meat Cleavers
• Sabers
• Swords
• Baseball Bats
• Bows and Arrows
• Cricket Bats
• Golf Clubs
• Hockey Sticks
• Lacrosse Sticks
• Pool Cues
• Ski Poles
• Spear Guns
• Flare Guns
• Starter Pistols
• Just Guns in General, Basically
• Axes
• Hatchets
• Cattle Prods
• Crowbars
• Hammers
• Drills
• Drill Bits
• Saws
• Construction Equipment in General
• Pepper Spray
• Nunchakus
• Stun Guns
• Throwing Stars
• Dynamite
• Fireworks
• Hand Grenades
• Plastic Explosives in Shoes
• Plastic Explosives not in Shoes
• Gasoline
• Torches
• Tear Gas

Then last year they banned toothpaste, hair gel, mouthwash, shampoo, hand sanitizer, lotion, Jello, pudding, and anything else gel- or liquid-related that was in a container larger than 3 ounces.

The TSA sat back, smugly and admired their list. “I think we got it covered, boys and girls!” they cheered. “Nobody’s gonna get anything past us. We really though it through this time. People bringing ice picks, cattle prods, meat cleavers, and drill bits alike will be stopped by our Awesome TSA List. We thought of EVERYTHING!”

But they didn’t think of everything. They forgot one very important item.

• Monkey hiding under hat

A man flying was taken into custody by police at New York’s LaGuardia Airport because as he was sitting on the plane from Fort Lauderdale, a small monkey called a marmoset crawled out from under his hat. Apparently the monkey was better-behaved than most children on airline flights, but it was placed into quarantine to ensure it was not carrying some weird tropical monkey herpes or something. You can read the story here.

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On hearing the news, a TSA official reportedly responded, “Well, that’s just great. I guess now we’ll be making everybody take off their hats at the same time they are taking their shoes off. In fact, you know what? How about everybody just disrobes completely before walking through the metal detectors? Make it easy for everybody, and it’ll save an awful lot of time in our special extra-security ‘rubber glove’ line.”

Insiders at the TSA indicate that tiny monkeys will also likely be banned from handbags, briefcases, and coat pockets when new procedures are completed.

Posted in Current Events, Miscellaneous | 92 Comments »

August 5, 2007 by karateexplosions.

If you’re like most fans of The Scotty Show, you came for the kitty pictures, but could be persuaded to stay for the insightful analysis or possibly some unnecessary profanity. Well, finally the kitty pictures have a place to call their own.

Currently, there are five kitty pictures in the Kitty Picture Gallery, but more kitty pictures are likely to make appearances. Some will be new, others will likely be old favorites like Cowboy Kitty or Astronaut Kitty. For bandwidth reasons, the Gallery may rotate kitty pictures so be sure to check from time to time as we may have brand-new kitty pictures available.

PS: Here is a picture of a cat.

Posted in Miscellaneous, Meta | 3 Comments »

August 2, 2007 by karateexplosions.

It’s currently a chilly 102 degrees Fahrenheit at 11:00 PM local time in Baghdad but it may get as low as 89 degrees before the night is over. In Baghdad tomorrow, the forecast is for a brisk 116 degrees Fahrenheit — perfect temperatures for American foot patrols with full gear on. The low tomorrow night will be a crisp 89 once again, so I hope the American troops brought their windbreakers. Luckily, members of the Iraqi parliament will not have to worry about this cold snap, because they will be at the Crawford ranch clearing brush took the month of August off.

Oh yeah, and once again… many Iraqis only get one hour of electricity per day.

Posted in Politics, Current Events, Miscellaneous | No Comments »

August 1, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Welcome to the new and improved karateexplosions.com.

Since the beginning of time, humans have sought to immortalize themselves and leave their mark upon this world.

Some attempt to do this by having children and passing their DNA through the generations. But what happens if your kid brings shame and dishonor on your family by registering Republican? Then you have to disown and disinherit him or her, and your historical legacy is tarnished forever.

Others try a different tactic, by creating great works of literature or art. But seriously, who reads BOOKS anymore? And as for art, nobody goes to museums anymore unless that museum features Adam and Eve riding dinosaurs.

So what can you do if you want to leave a lasting impression on this world? How can you spray-paint “I WAS HERE” on the graffiti wall of history? All you have to do is just visit this website.

“But KE!” you are exclaiming, “How can visiting your website create a legacy for me that will endure for all time?”

Right now, in the deep bowels of Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe, an NSA agent just ordered all of your library records going all the way back to elementary school, a full accounting of every email you’ve ever received or sent, a wiretap on your phone, and a special code put on all your airline boarding passes ensuring you get the special “rubber glove” treatment. And once you’re on that list, there will be a record of you for all eternity. You’re welcome.

Just think, someday, when your great-great-grandchildren submit a Freedom of Information Act request to see your file, and are able to be entertained by ever word you ever spoke, every comment you ever wrote, every email you ever sent, every book you ever read, and every purchase you ever swiped your card for. It’s like having your own personal biographer following you around every minute of every day forever.

But that’s only ONE of the extraordinary benefits of visiting this site. So be sure to tell all your friends!

Posted in Miscellaneous, Meta | 74 Comments »