Your Guide to Self Defense by State Representative Bob Allen (R-FL)

August 7, 2007 by karateexplosions.

EDITOR’S NOTE: From time to time, “KE: The Blog” will feature public service announcements from prominent guest commentators seeking to enhance the public safety, possibly as a condition of their probation. The following is one such public service announcement.

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Imagine that one fine July day you decide that it is a good day to go for a walk in the park. So you drive to the park and get out of your car, excited about the nice walk in the park you are going to take. But suddenly you realize that you have to go to the bathroom very badly. So you head to the park’s public men’s restroom (for the purpose of this hypothetical situation, you are a guy).

At some point, you discover that someone else is in the stall next to you. You discover this fact the same way ALL men in a public restroom figure out if someone is in another stall — by peeking over the stall door and making eye contact with the stall’s occupant.

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Here is where things get a little tricky from a self-defense standpoint. If the guy you just made eye contact with is a physically intimidating big black guy, you cannot just peek over the door of his stall, make eye contact, and then just walk away. It would be rude, and he might pummel you. The best thing to do in this situation is to make eye contact with him again, this time by looking through the door.

If he greets you, then you must engage him in conversation. A polite “hi” should be enough to keep him from beating you to death.

At this point, you are faced with an unfortunate choice. If you leave now, the big intimidating black guy may feel that you are snubbing him. He may pursue you out of the men’s room and savagely pound on you until you are just another statistic of big black man violence. The only other option is for you to enter his stall, close the door behind you, and say, “This is kind of a public place, isn’t it?” This will remind the big black man that you are in a public restroom and that other people might be around, which should keep you from becoming just another statistic.

Hopefully that will work and you will be safe. However, if he says, “Do you have somewhere else we can go?”, this is bad news. It means he wants to go to a more secluded spot with you, where he will probably lose control of his big aggressive black man self and kill you for no reason.

After your life gets done flashing before your eyes, you must face the reality that there is only one thing you can do in this situation. Every martial arts expert or self-defense guru — such as Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chuck Norris — will all give you the same advice I am giving you now:

IF YOU SEE A BIG BLACK GUY IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM AND YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO KILL YOU, YOU MUST OFFER TO GIVE HIM $20 AND A BLOWJOB.

Now, I am sure that there will be people out there who say, “But Representative Allen, what makes you think that every random black guy who happens to be in a public restroom would want a blowjob from an ignorant-ass white hick state representative like yourself?” To those people, I will only say that they don’t call me ‘Hoover’ just because I support Republican economic policies that would leave people standing in line for bread and living in tent cities, OR because I like to wear fluffy dresses and lace stockings, if you know what I mean.

So there you have it. If a big black man is in the restroom with you, do not panic. Simply follow these basic life-saving steps:

1. Peek over the stall door at him and make eye contact.
2. Look at him through the stall door and make eye contact again.
3. Enter the stall door and close it behind you.
4. Engage him in conversation.
5. Verbally acknowledge that a public restroom is a public place.
6. Offer to give the big black man $20 and a blowjob.

The life you save may be your own.

Bob Allen is a Republican member of Florida’s State House of Representatives. He is currently awaiting trial on charges of soliciting prostitution stemming from an incident in which Rep. Allen offered a big black police officer in a public restroom $20 to have oral sex. He has a staunchly anti-gay voting record and sponsored legislation to strengthen laws against public sex, lewdness and indecency.

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