August 6, 2007 by karateexplosions.

If you’re a progressive Democrat who favors the right for all citizens to keep and bear arms, the National Rifle Association is an organization that leaves you a little conflicted. On the one hand, they support a constitutional right that many feel is the Founders’ idea of a last line of defense against tyranny and despotism in our country. On the other hand, you must be aware that, as a progressive Democrat, the NRA hates you and also they are heavily armed.

One of the few things that the NRA has hated more than progressive Democrats is the McCain-Feingold (Bipartisan Campaign Reform) Act. This law was intended to, among other things, restrict the amount of influence held by corporations or “issue organizations” by restricting the use of “issue ads” prior to elections.

The NRA is one of those “issue organizations”. The Campaign Reform Act effectively meant that if the NRA wanted to air advertisements informing the electorate that liberal Democrats eat baby flesh and kick newborn puppies, they could not do so within the 60 days prior to a general election or 30 days prior to a primary. In a recent Supreme Court case, the NRA joined with Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc. to argue that this portion of the McCain-Feingold Act was unconstitutional. About a month ago, in a 5-4 decision, the court agreed with them and declared that they had a First Amendment right to air issue ads right up to election day.

So what kind of issue ads should we expect? Well, the NRA has been kind enough to lay out a little of their game plan through a detailed, illustrated fund raising pamphlet that was leaked to the Internet just a little after Christmas last year.

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All NRA literature can be summed up as follows: They. Are. Coming. For. Your. Guns.

In this case, the warning is aimed directly at the NRA’s core membership: Pistol-packing gray-haired grannies. A very perceptive observer may notice that while the NRA’s message might be aimed at granny, the evil jack-booted stormtroopers’ guns are not. The dude in the upper left has a flashlight equipped on his gun and as a result you can see where he’s aiming… at the gun on the floor. And that’s the basis of the problem here. If granny could get the one dude’s shin off her neck, she could maybe defend herself. But the tiny little gun, all alone in the spotlight, is completely defenseless. Who will defend the poor, lonely handgun? The NRA, that’s who!

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It seems like just about everybody wants to restrict gun rights these days. The NRA thought a good way counteract that sentiment would be to build a giant, 20-foot-tall revolver in the middle of a city. “Let’s see those gun control activists stop us NOW!” cackled the NRA.

Turns out, though, that Superman is a big-time gun control activist. And he’s kind of a jerk.

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Guns are useful for a lot of things. Hunting, law enforcement, personal security, target practice. Also, they are good at keeping enormous tidal waves from completely obliterating your home.

In this illustration, we see the same family from the previous illustration, and the father is saying, “Sure would be nice if we had a twenty-foot tall revolver right about now. But we don’t, so let’s stand here on our second-floor wraparound deck and await our impending doom.”

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There are a lot of scary things out there, and the NRA wants to make sure you are armed so you can deal with them effectively. One of the scariest things out there is a girl who doesn’t shave her legs, particularly if she also wears sandals. Here, we see the paragon of evil holding a gasoline can in one hand and a burning torch in the other. One would think that she would wait to light the fire until after she reached her destination and was no longer carrying a large container of extremely flammable liquid, but just because she is evil doesn’t make her smart.

What she lacks in brainpower she makes up for tenfold with her evil army of demonic animal minions. Wolves, oxen, pigs… even an Evil Dynamite-Wielding Owl of Doom (EDWOD) and a crustacean who has had Just. About. Enough. of the sitting in the aquarium with rubber bands around his hands. All of the animals are ready to exact their revenge on humanity for the cutting down of their woodland habitats and also for the slowly boiling them in pots of water.

Only one thing stands in their way: Guns. And the evil Democrats Who. Are. Coming. For. Them.

So expect to see a lot more of this as the 2008 election cycle begins to ramp up.

Posted in Civil Rights, Satire, Humor, Politics | 53 Comments »

August 6, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Several days ago we discussed some ways for average Americans to identify potential sleeper cell terrorists. As part of America’s ongoing Global War on Terror, Americans who are not themselves terrorists should consider themselves to be Alberto Gonzales’s Deputy Junior Terrorist-Hunting Rangers (AGDJTHR). To equip AGDJTHRs with more terrorist-fighting tips, we have compiled a few more things to be on the lookout for.

From the Virginia Terrorism manual we discussed last time, we have a handy list of tools of the terrorist trade. If you see anyone using any of the following items, please call Alberto Gonzales directly at (202) 353-1555.

• Still cameras
• Video cameras
• Binoculars
• Tape recorders
• Maps
• Charts
• Sketch pads
• Notebooks
• SCUBA equipment

If you see a guy wearing SCUBA gear holding a map and a sketch pad walking down the street, it is likely that a terrorist attack is imminent.

Finally, a book called Terrorism and Homeland Security: An Introduction with Applications gives us a few more tips on how to spot a suicide bomber amongst the general population.

• Wearing loose clothing
• Wearing bulky clothing
• Sweating
• Mumbling
• Unusually calm or detached
• Wearing a backpack
• Wearing inordinate amount of cologne or perfume
• Does not respond to authoritative voice commands
• Could be disguised as military, police, firefighter, medic, or pregnant woman

We now have a pretty detailed profile of the perfect terrorist. It will be a student wearing a business suit over SCUBA gear while disguised as a pregnant woman. They will be sweating and mumbling, wearing a lot of cologne or perfume, and using a cell phone or email. They will be calm, team-oriented and focused. They will likely be looking at a map or a chart through binoculars they got out of their backpack. They will refer to the Constitution and attempt to influence government and social policies. They will be familiar with their physical surroundings and will try not to attract attention to themselves, going so far as avoiding confrontations with the police.

If you see this person, keep in mind that they are a dangerous criminal terrorist mastermind. DO NOT attempt to apprehend them yourself… contact your local law enforcement and your nearest FBI field office immediately.

Posted in Civil Rights, Terrorism, Satire, Humor, Politics | No Comments »

August 3, 2007 by karateexplosions.

Over the course of the nearly six years after September 11, we have developed an amazing number of tools to combat terrorism. The first and most important counter-terrorism tool is something that every American can do — go shopping. Every time a cash register rings at American Eagle or Old Navy (which are especially effective because of their names), a virgin will no longer be waiting for an al-Qaeda suicide bomber in heaven. This has an enormous effect on deterring terrorism.

Most people are familiar with the color-coded Terror-meter which gives people a vague and general sense of when they may receive their impending death. Red means “say your goodbyes”, orange means “terrorists have decided to kill you but aren’t sure when yet”, yellow means “doom is waiting around the corner”, and blue and green are just throwaway colors that look pretty but were never intended to actually be used:

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But the Terror-meter is only a way of communicating the amount of threat we face. We still need a method to determine exactly how much threat we are facing at any given time. This needs to be a very sensitive, very advanced piece of technology capable of discerning and extrapolating threats in real-time. And so we have Homeland Security Secratary Michael Chertoff’s gut, which can instantly detect grave threats to our national security.

But attempting to deter terrorism and knowing that there is a threat are only parts of the battle. Americans must be well-equipped to identify suspicious, terrorist-type people that walk among us so that they can be stopped from carrying out their nefarious plans. And so to that end, I present you with several tips from experts in Arizona, Texas, and Virginia, on how you can identify a terrorist:
A Texas anti-terrorism training pamphlet gives you some of the characteristics of terrorists so that you can pick them out of a crowd.

• Focused and committed
• Team-oriented and disciplined
• Familiar with their physical environments
• Employ a variety of vehicles and communicate by cell phone, email, or text messaging
• Try not to draw attention to themselves
• Look like students, tourists, or businesspersons
• Travel in a mixed group of men, women, and children
• Avoid confrontations with law enforcement

If you know anyone who looks like a student, a tourist, or a businessperson — especially if they avoid confrontations with law enforcement or communicate by cell phone or email, make sure that you turn them in to your local FBI field office or the Department of Homeland Security at once!

And now, on to an FBI flyer in Phoenix, AZ:

“If you encounter any of the following, call the Joint Terrorism Task Force”:

• “Defenders of the US Constitution against federal government”
• “Make numerous references to the US Constitution”
• “Attempt to ‘police the police’”
• “Lone Individuals”
• “Rebels”

It truly chills the blood to imagine all of those terrorists out there, referring to and defending the US Constitution. Where will they stop? Have they no shame at all?

Among the people the Virginia Terrorism manual warns against are:

• Those Who Try to Create an Atmosphere of Anxiety Amongst the Public
• Those Who Try to Undermine Confidence in the Government
• Those Who Try to Influence Government or Social Policy

I cannot imagine anything more nefarious than trying to influence government or social policy. And honestly, who could have anything but the utmost confidence in a government that fights terrorism by telling us to shop, making a color-coded chart, using “gut feelings” as terrorist-warning devices, and reminding the public to be wary of focused, team-oriented people?

Posted in Civil Rights, Terrorism, Satire, Humor, Politics | 3 Comments »