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- August 14, 2007: Longing For Better (?) Days
- August 8, 2007: It Wasn't On The List
- August 7, 2007: Your Guide to Self Defense by State Representative Bob Allen (R-FL)
- August 6, 2007: On Supporting the Troops
- August 6, 2007: Evil Dynamite-Wielding Owls of Doom
- August 6, 2007: More Terrorist Signs to Watch For
- August 5, 2007: Kitty Picture Gallery Now Online
- August 4, 2007: How Safe Are YOUR State's Bridges?
- August 3, 2007: Identifying and Fighting Terrorists 101
- August 2, 2007: One Down. 73,763 More To Go?
It Wasn’t On The List
After September 11, airlines began to crack down on what you can and cannot bring on board a plane in your carry-on baggage. Definitely no box cutters. No knives or guns or anything like that, either. Or scissors. Or nail clippers, for some reason. The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), thought they had everything covered. But then along comes bug-eyed Richard Reed with a bomb in his shoe.
How did this happen? How did Richard Reed get on the plane with a bomb in his shoe? The folks at the TSA asked themselves those same questions and figured it out: “Bomb inside shoe” wasn’t on the list. “Oh well,” sighed the TSA, “those rascally terrorists got us this time.”
So they added a whole bunch of things to the list and started making people take off their shoes, thinking they had the problem solved. They would eventually add a bunch more things to the list as time progressed. Now, the list looks something like this:
TSA LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN’T TAKE ON AN AIRPLANE
- Knives
- Box Cutters
- Ice Axes
- Ice Picks
- Meat Cleavers
- Sabers
- Swords
- Baseball Bats
- Bows and Arrows
- Cricket Bats
- Golf Clubs
- Hockey Sticks
- Lacrosse Sticks
- Pool Cues
- Ski Poles
- Spear Guns
- Flare Guns
- Starter Pistols
- Just Guns in General, Basically
- Axes
- Hatchets
- Cattle Prods
- Crowbars
- Hammers
- Drills
- Drill Bits
- Saws
- Construction Equipment in General
- Pepper Spray
- Nunchakus
- Stun Guns
- Throwing Stars
- Dynamite
- Fireworks
- Hand Grenades
- Plastic Explosives in Shoes
- Plastic Explosives not in Shoes
- Gasoline
- Torches
- Tear Gas
Then last year they banned toothpaste, hair gel, mouthwash, shampoo, hand sanitizer, lotion, Jello, pudding, and anything else gel- or liquid-related that was in a container larger than 3 ounces.
The TSA sat back, smugly and admired their list. “I think we got it covered, boys and girls!” they cheered. “Nobody’s gonna get anything past us. We really though it through this time. People bringing ice picks, cattle prods, meat cleavers, and drill bits alike will be stopped by our Awesome TSA List. We thought of EVERYTHING!”
But they didn’t think of everything. They forgot one very important item.
- Monkey hiding under hat
A man flying was taken into custody by police at New York’s LaGuardia Airport because as he was sitting on the plane from Fort Lauderdale, a small monkey called a marmoset crawled out from under his hat. Apparently the monkey was better-behaved than most children on airline flights, but it was placed into quarantine to ensure it was not carrying some weird tropical monkey herpes or something. You can read the story here.
.
On hearing the news, a TSA official reportedly responded, “Well, that’s just great. I guess now we’ll be making everybody take off their hats at the same time they are taking their shoes off. In fact, you know what? How about everybody just disrobes completely before walking through the metal detectors? Make it easy for everybody, and it’ll save an awful lot of time in our special extra-security ‘rubber glove’ line.”
Insiders at the TSA indicate that tiny monkeys will also likely be banned from handbags, briefcases, and coat pockets when new procedures are completed.
92 Responses to “It Wasn’t On The List”
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So I’m assuming gerbils are still okay.
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No, gerbils have been banned for a while, but hamsters are still cool.
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