Identifying and Fighting Terrorists 101

Over the course of the nearly six years after September 11, we have developed an amazing number of tools to combat terrorism. The first and most important counter-terrorism tool is something that every American can do — go shopping. Every time a cash register rings at American Eagle or Old Navy (which are especially effective because of their names), a virgin will no longer be waiting for an al-Qaeda suicide bomber in heaven. This has an enormous effect on deterring terrorism.

Most people are familiar with the color-coded Terror-meter which gives people a vague and general sense of when they may receive their impending death. Red means “say your goodbyes”, orange means “terrorists have decided to kill you but aren’t sure when yet”, yellow means “doom is waiting around the corner”, and blue and green are just throwaway colors that look pretty but were never intended to actually be used:

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But the Terror-meter is only a way of communicating the amount of threat we face. We still need a method to determine exactly how much threat we are facing at any given time. This needs to be a very sensitive, very advanced piece of technology capable of discerning and extrapolating threats in real-time. And so we have Homeland Security Secratary Michael Chertoff’s gut, which can instantly detect grave threats to our national security.

But attempting to deter terrorism and knowing that there is a threat are only parts of the battle. Americans must be well-equipped to identify suspicious, terrorist-type people that walk among us so that they can be stopped from carrying out their nefarious plans. And so to that end, I present you with several tips from experts in Arizona, Texas, and Virginia, on how you can identify a terrorist:
A Texas anti-terrorism training pamphlet gives you some of the characteristics of terrorists so that you can pick them out of a crowd.

• Focused and committed
• Team-oriented and disciplined
• Familiar with their physical environments
• Employ a variety of vehicles and communicate by cell phone, email, or text messaging
• Try not to draw attention to themselves
• Look like students, tourists, or businesspersons
• Travel in a mixed group of men, women, and children
• Avoid confrontations with law enforcement

If you know anyone who looks like a student, a tourist, or a businessperson — especially if they avoid confrontations with law enforcement or communicate by cell phone or email, make sure that you turn them in to your local FBI field office or the Department of Homeland Security at once!

And now, on to an FBI flyer in Phoenix, AZ:

“If you encounter any of the following, call the Joint Terrorism Task Force”:

• “Defenders of the US Constitution against federal government”
• “Make numerous references to the US Constitution”
• “Attempt to ‘police the police’”
• “Lone Individuals”
• “Rebels”

It truly chills the blood to imagine all of those terrorists out there, referring to and defending the US Constitution. Where will they stop? Have they no shame at all?

Among the people the Virginia Terrorism manual warns against are:

• Those Who Try to Create an Atmosphere of Anxiety Amongst the Public
• Those Who Try to Undermine Confidence in the Government
• Those Who Try to Influence Government or Social Policy

I cannot imagine anything more nefarious than trying to influence government or social policy. And honestly, who could have anything but the utmost confidence in a government that fights terrorism by telling us to shop, making a color-coded chart, using “gut feelings” as terrorist-warning devices, and reminding the public to be wary of focused, team-oriented people?

This entry was posted on August 3, 2007 at 12:56 pm and is filed under Civil Rights, Terrorism, Satire, Humor, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.